The last few days have been a bit of a rough time for me. I’m struggling a bit to find my way here in New York and want to keep reaching and keep reaching until I get what I want. And, sadly, that’s not how the world works.
I rarely talk about my struggles. You know… it doesn’t feel professional… and I want to be professional at all times… to everyone. So if I reveal my struggles verbally, then I feel weak. If I just pretend like it’s all okay and there’s no struggles, then somehow that means success to me. The funny thing is that it’s not like its not obvious when I struggle. I have a serious face. I don’t smile. I’m not the same bubbly tabby that I can be. I withdraw. I don’t stretch. I do what I think I should and then pretty much contemplate on my struggles the rest of the time.
It’s not fun. It’s not ideal. But it’s all I really know in terms of how to bring myself to a point of enlightenment. I know I have tools to use, but suffering has always worked the best before. It’s a hard habit to kick.
Right now, my biggest issue is friendship. No, I’m not having any particular trouble with any of my relationships (aside from the occasional spat with my partner). It’s more that I don’t really even know what friendship is or what its like to relate. I have a lot of loyal people in my life. Two or three of them I would call friends at this point. The rest I’d call colleagues or clients. Most of my “friends” are clients and I always feel quite certain that if I don’t maintain that client status with them, I’d loose their friendship. It’s rough! I feel scared to even consider changing careers, and that’s exactly what I intend to do.
I don’t want to program all of my life. I like to do it for what its worth. But I want to take more ownership, more planning, more discovery, more management. I am good with the global thinking, and I want to take advantage of that. But considering I have my clients/friends thing going so well, as I said, scary.
I’ll work it out over the next few days I guess.
There we go. Honesty. Difficult. Necessary.