This week I have been exploring “Love” and what it means to me. I realized that Love was the single most important thing to me, and I decided to figure out a little more about it. It was initially inspired by seeing the photo taken by Rich Lam, a freelance photographer, during the Vancouver Riots of Scott Jones and Alexandra Thomas. The photo invoked a feeling of fear and somewhat of a muted reality for me, when I saw it. It was beautiful. Surreal. I realized in that moment that the safety of those two people were so important to me. I cared so deeply. It invoked this intense feeling of love and affection for humanity… even if I was upset and concerned that just a block away, my friend’s car was sitting and burning; a juxtaposition of humanity and its worst and best.
So, I have been considering the thoughts of love and affection. The way that I experience love is that there is something like a deep vulnerable feeling that I feel. It’s a feeling that this connection, this love, that I have is too much or it’s going to have some deep effect. It’s this amazing feeling that I care, deeply, for all things. It seems, though, that I only get a sliver of this feeling… every now and then. It’s not something that I can feel all of the time, though– not yet, at least. I imagine that that is what enlightenment would feel like, but what do I know?
I had an experience last night, in Troy. I was stopped at a Stewarts after a night at the Daily Grind. There was a man, lurking in the corner. I knew he was going to ask for money. I felt scared, as I usually do. I went into Stewarts and came back, and that’s when he asked, “Excuse me, I just got out of Albany Memorial Hos…” and everything faded. I was so scared… I barely even remember what he said. I was even too scared to respond. I thought about it… and I realized that it’s not the fear that he will hurt me, it’s the fear that I would love even him, and what that means if that’s true. I wouldn’t want to exchange love for integrity, and yet I do this all of the time. I pretend that my love buys integrity.
Anyway, this photo, if anything, has helped me to reflect on caring for someone, through fear. It has opened my own eyes to a world beyond me and my immediate friends and environment. When I saw Scott and Alexandra, I felt as if I cared for them and their well-being. Now, I am looking out into the world and wondering who else I might care for as deeply.
Read another well-written post on the “Kissing Couple” here